Collecting stones

She was looking disappointed, yet somewhat relived when she concluded, after going through hell for several months: "It's a cleansing feeling to lose 90% of the people you thought to be your friends."

90%! I counted: indeed, only a mere 10% of her friends were still there, supporting her when she needed them. I felt lucky to be one of them. At the same time, though, I feared to have to go through the same experience, being let down by people I felt near and struggled so much to call my friends.

But things would come to closure sooner than I thought.

Christmas 2008 was revealing to me. Going through some harsh times, I chose not to write, not to call, not to be nice and not to speak up. To stop being Mrs. goody-two-shoes for once. To stop struggling for love.

And indeed. The 90% wasn't such a high number after all.

Some kitten told me once that holiday wishes are the result of the networking you had done in the previous year. This year, networking finally stopped to be a concern of mine, and Christmas became, in lack of a big meal, in lack of many calls, mails and sms'es, next to the three persons I love most, a feast of pure and simple joy.

Make this a tribute to the duck, the deer, the elephant, the squirrel and the turtle, who managed to show me that it's useless to collect stones.

You are my heroes of 2009.

Milan

Milan Kundera: un informator al serviciilor secrete din Cehoslovacia?

Imi amintesc foarte bine Iubirile caraghioase ale lui Kundera.

Eram in Sibiu, dupa una dintre noptile albe impartite cu Andra, nauce de (ne)somn, plimbandu-ne ca doua stafii prietenoase, indreptandu-ne agale spre Podul Minciunilor. Intram firesc in fiecare librarie din drum, prea obosite sa ne mai amintim cartile care ne marcasera zilele si noptile in vremurile lungi in care nu ne vazusem.

A venit cu o carte cu coperta albastra, mata, spre mine: "Am ras si am plans cand am citit cartea asta". Era cartea rasului si a uitarii pentru noi.

Kundera a fost, alaturi de Sibiu si de Andra, o constanta a adolescentei mele. Acum se clatina. Departe de Sibiu si de Andra.

For my oldest and my newest friend

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red,
Cryin's not for me',
Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free,
Nothin's worryin' me!

(B.J. Thomas - Raindrops keep falling on my head)


My dears, here's to you who filled my life with beauty.

Fill in the blanks

"Whith you, not even silence is awkward!"

When I heard the song (*German) the deer had sent me, i wanted to laugh and cry. Because, hell!, it must have been inspired from our friendship!

Aha! That was it. Suddenly I realized why the deer was the first friend I ever fell in love with. Because next to her, I don't feel the need to fill up the gaps with gestures or words. I know our silences are as meaningful as anything else we've shared for more than a decade of friendship. And most of all, neither of us asks why suddenly there is nothing more to say.

I'm glad to have you, my dear, dear, neurotic, beautiful, alchoholic, smart beyond normal limits, clumsy, asshole-but-so-extremely-sweet deer.

PS. And suddenly, all was fine.

Thoughts of a deer one

"I cannot help but thinking that the relationships to the ones we love is a matter of random. I know one of them is my boyfriend and the other one my best friend, but sometimes I think that, had I met them in a reverse order, the friend would have been the boyfriend and vice-versa."

What the deer said arose serious thinking in me. And I wanted to disagree, in order to not lose hope that life has a sense after all, and matters come in an order established in advance or determined by our own actions.

But still, somewhere, a little demon kept whispering to me, that she could be right. That we live and feel randomly after all. It's a lesson of humility to know that we are not that powerful and our relationships have at least one element which is out of our reach. Sometimes, when we get lucky, the random element comes into our aid - then we meet people like the little mouse and the monkey, and even, sometimes, a duck we can fall in love with. But then again, some random meetings with some random eagle make us ask "What if...". Then life suddenly doesn't make that much sense anymore, does it?

Please love me

After a good age of hearing nothing from her, the butterfly rang me yesterday: "I received an internship in London. For one year. Now you can be proud of me, for finally having my first job!"

Strangely enough, also yesterday the deer called. We talked about expectations others have from you and how much they can or cannot influence your life, well, actually, how much you do or do not try to live up to them. And how you sometimes feel like a loser for not matching everyone's expectations - see this (in Romanian).

There is something i learned while trying to grow up: the expectations of others from you are their problem , and not yours. And while trying to please everyone, you will only manage to live an alien life, reaching a point where everyone is proud of you, but you are deeply unhappy. As I've been there at some point in my life and have my turning point behind me already, I can say this: People, it's not a nice feeling, it doesn't give you any satisfaction and it only leaves you feeling lonely and misunderstood.

That being only added to the fact that people can only love you for what you are, and not for what you are not.

So, my dear butterfly, I always was proud of you, regardless of what job you have or what achievements you can lay before me. And my deer, you had me at hello, as you well know.

HERO OF THE DAY: The deer. And the butterfly. For having the strengh within to bring up the power to resist outside pressure. Just you wait!

Raindrops keep falling on my head

Today, in a fabulous rainy day, I didn't run. I walked easily thorough the rain and let the drops fall on my face and off the tip of my nose, and I was happy, remembering the first time I got drunk with the deer, singing "Raindrops keep falling on my head". I laughed at the trolls being mad with the cold and the rain, at the bus which had a leak through which tiny drops of water fall on a guy's bag, at me taking myself too serious and at me secretly wishing that, for once, I could be a duck too, because ducks never get wet.

And suddenly, with the hot tea and on the phone with some pet i love, all was fine.

What the deer doesn't know

There are some things in life that are able to surprise you when they happen, although you always suspected it at some point that they were the way they are.

Or some answers to your actions, that take you by surprise, although, at some point, they are only natural and fair. It's like that when you receive a good feedback on a job done, when a complete stranger smiles at you kindly on the street, when you see a rainbow after a summer rain, or finally, when a person says "I love you too".

Today, an e-mail received from the deer took me completely by surprise. She attached a beautiful song and thanked me for being there for her ages ago, in the sadbutbeautiful times i will sometimes tell you all about.

What actually surprised me was that I was so stunned that someone could actually be helped by little things I do. Guess we are all so deeply insecure, that we forget how to see the good and the beautiful in our actions.

What the deer doesn't know, though, is that she was the one to put the "beautiful" in the "sadbutbeautiful". Times. I will tell you all about them. Someday.

HERO OF THE DAY: The deer, for thinking in such bright phrases like "emotional mediocrity". And for being anything else than mediocre.